My Trust, My Rules

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I may only be 38 years old, however, I’ve seen more than my fair share of shit. All of it has left its own indelible mark on me. My trust was the most effected of everything. Its simple really, I don’t trust.

When I was younger I trusted blindly. Then if you did something down the line to cause that trust to falter or break, it would stop. If you wanted it back, you were going to earn it back. It was no longer freely given.

Then my life slowly went to Hell. One crappy life experience after another, eventually, I stopped trusting altogether and things made a 180° turn. No one blindly received my trust, everyone started at square one. If you wanted my trust, you were going to earn it. It didn’t matter who you were, everyone started on equal footing.

Now my trust is more difficult to earn than ever. If you’re lucky enough to be trusted, hold on tight to it. It’s easy to lose. All it takes at this point is one lie. That’s it. Once you lie to me, it sets up a pattern of future behavior in my head where you’ll lie to me again and I’m not playing that game. Go screw with someone else’s trust because you won’t find it around here anymore.

I realize this is probably more than a little juvenile and judgemental. It’s my life. It’s my trust. Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me. Not to put too fine a point on it, my life is more a matter of survival and I don’t have the time, patience nor the energy to devote to hand holding. It sucks. It’s unfortunate and not fair for alot of people. I’m just tired of being lied to, screwed over and having my trust and my sanity take the hit so you can feel better about yourself and your station in my life.

As much as I’d like to say this will all change someday, I’ll trust first and ask questions later or simply begin dooling out my trust all willy-nilly, it likely won’t. This is my life, my Hell and y’all are just along for the ride, like one big roller coaster.