Grief: The First Holidays

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Thursday is Thanksgiving. It’s typically my favorite holiday. I’m just feeling ambiguous this year. Not everyone understands because in the last decade or so my extended family didn’t get together for Thanksgiving, purely because there are now so many of us. It’s hard to all fit into one house.

There isn’t any one reason I’m going to struggle. This will be the first holiday without her. Seeing her, calling her aren’t options anymore and that’s hard. The past few years my Mom has made dinner for just us: my parents, my kid brother, me, Rob, the Boys, Gavin, my Aunt Sharon, and Grammy. We might have that dinner. Then again, we probably won’t because my Mom is working really hard to get things in order.

I have severe social anxiety. I can’t dealt with a group of people wedged into one place, I’m also claustrophobic. We are celebrating at Rob’s parents’ house, which is cool. I know the places I can go if things get too cramped or I simply start to have an anxiety attack. I’ll have my emergency medications with me. There are only going to be 12 people and Rob, the Boys, Gavin and myself are 5 of the 12. Still, it scares me. It also scares me because Rob’s Grandpa is going to be there and I simply adore him, if only he weren’t a reminder of who I’ve just lost.

The fact of the matter is, I want my Grammy. I want to spend the day after Thanksgiving with her, waiting on her hand and foot while I bring her drinks or food or dessert. I hate that I missed the opportunity to sit down with her and hear every story she wanted to tell. I had so many opportunities I missed.

I don’t know how I’m going to handle Thursday. I have yet to really cry and I’m struggling to even talk to my therapist, Pattie, about Grammy, about her death, about any of it. I’m just blocked, which is sort of ironic because I’ve had the worst case of writer’s block in my life over the past few years but I could feel my emotions and cry. Now I can’t cry or feel most emotions, however, my writer’s block (*knocks on wood*) seems to be lifting. I have no idea why this shift has happened, it simply has.